The road...often?...traveled

So this isn't the announcement. You guys already knew about this. :-) Now, I'd like to tell you a little about how we got here (no, not THAT).

I still can't get over it. If it weren't for the morning sickness/afternoon and evening nausea, I might even forget I was pregnant. It doesn't feel real yet, even after having our first ultrasound. The little peanut was 1 centimeter in this image. ONE. CENTIMETER. And we saw the heart beating at 140 bpm. I don't really have words to describe that feeling.

Yet despite this ultrasound, despite having all the lovely symptoms that go with the first trimester, despite having no reason to think something is wrong, I was slightly anxious about my appointment yesterday (11 weeks, 3 days). I didn't have another ultrasound, but we knew we should be able to hear the heart beat. I so desparately wanted to hear it, to know that the little life is still there. It took a few minutes (well, it seemed like forever!) to find the heartbeat, but at last she did! As she was searching for it, she warned us it might take some time because it's still so small, and at first we were chatting, and I was laughing about something. Then we still weren't finding it. I just closed my eyes and waited, but I was starting to get concerned, wondering what the next step would be if she couldn't find it, etc. Then, all of the sudden, thump-thump, thump-thump. What a beautiful sound. :-D We ALL smiled then. Whew. So aside from my Type A worrying personality, there's another reason I'm extra paranoid every time we go in and extra relieved when everything looks normal.

What I want to share is what I've come to realize is an all too common experience. In late November 2010, we found out we were pregnant. On Thanksgiving. Thank goodness Walgreens was open on a holiday for that we-have-to-double-check-with-the-digital-one test. We were in Sac visiting my family and caught the news-sharing on video. I'm posting it here because it holds sweet memories for me, and I haven't gotten to share it before.

So it's bittersweet, because our celebrations didn't extend beyond a week or so after that. At my best guess, I was about 5 or 6 weeks along. I began suspecting something wasn't right, so I went in for an early ultrasound. The tech's words that day are forever etched in my heart...I don't see anything. I got a blood test that day and the following Monday to confirm, but I knew what happened. My heart broke. I felt very very alone. We hadn't even gotten the chance to tell our friends and families the good news yet, when we had to call with bad news. I also felt so...not in control. For most of my life, I set my mind to accomplish something, and I just get it done. I hate feeling like I've failed at something. So that's what I felt like. I set out to make a baby, and I failed.

But you know what I learned? A LOT of women have had miscarriages...some more than one, two, three. Some women have the kind I had so early on they don't even realize they've been pregnant, maybe just that they were late. But we don't talk about it. Maybe we feel responsible, or like we think it will hurt worse if people know, but whatever the reason, it's like it's some kind of taboo to talk about it. I'll admit, it's very personal, and for a long time, it's not something I shared openly. For some reason now, I'll just volunteer it when I'm talking to people about this pregnancy. Granted, sometimes people are uncomfortable, they don't know what to say. Maybe that's why we don't talk about it.

But I really want to talk about it. There were two things that helped me get through that disappointment and sadness. The first was talking to other women who had experienced the same thing and who have gone on to have successful pregnancies. In fact, one of things that helped me get over my failure issues was talking to another woman who was also not used to failure and had experienced those same feelings through several miscarriages (she also has 3 beautiful kiddos, such an encouragement). So if my talking about it can help someone else who is going through this, it's worth it. 

The second thing was the amazing support system from family and friends. I received beautiful white lillies from my mother in law. I still have a precious sympathy card from my brother in law. People cried with us. People told us their own stories. These things are what get you through it. We told people fairly early on with this pregnancy because we wanted their support and prayers in case something happened. And to be fair, it still very much could. We have every reason--including my morning/afternoon/evening sickness--to think the kid is a strong little thing, but we don't know what the future holds.

So I'll end this crazy long post with a thank you for letting me share my heart and a request for your prayers to keep our little one safe and strong.

Lots of love!

Rebekah